Anyone who has read this blog at all knows that I love my husband dearly, so please don't think I am unfair when I say he is opinionated and pushy and stubborn, and this drives me insane. He finds it very difficult to accept any opinion I have that is different from his own - nigh impossible really. We have so many arguments over this - he wants us to think exactly the same about everything, sweet I guess, but I feel to be impossible and unhealthy. Sometimes I feel bullied into ideas that are not even my own - or that I don't know if they are my own yet because I haven't had the time to think about them (I need an extraordinary amount of processing time while Jonathan's processing is lightning fast). But more and more, as I know him and love him I am seeing the indecisive, unsure nature that is lurking beneath his infuriating assurity. My husband can do anything, convince anyone of anything....as long as he knows I am backing him up. If he feels I am not with him 100% on something - he will drive me crazy trying to convince me to hop on board, and I get angry and hurt because I feel that he can't allow me to "just be me". But then later, I find out that he has either dropped that activity or opinion or whatever it was. I always contributed it to his temperament - tons of ideas that come and go, but few that go into action. This is not necessarily true - if I look back, its the things that I encouraged him to do or pursue that he is now doing and pursuing. Scary - That kind of power over another. I never really thought much about the saying, "behind every great man is a woman". There may be a whole lotta truth there, and I don't think you can turn it around the other way.

The relieving thing about realizing this truth is that he doesn't think my opinions are stupid at all, which I have often accused him of - he actually holds them in higher regard than I do - they shape the way he thinks and acts. He has no idea how to express this at the time so it comes out as pushy arrogance, but at least I realize it now and instead of being offended I can be flattered - yeah, we'll see how that actually goes into practice, but I will try.

I feel weary. I seem to always have these bouts - when I chaff under my life. Everytime, I clearly recognize my ingratitude and I repent. God has blessed me with my job - it is a means to provide for us while Jonathan studies. It has so many other perks too, things God knew would be useful to me. He was very thoughtful in giving me this job. But to be perfectly honest, I often hate it. I hate that I spent so many years preparing to be a teacher, but I am a secretary - call it Administrative Assistant all you want. I hate that the majority of my life is spent within this building, this room. I hate that there are so many things I think about during the day that I want to do at home, but by the time I get there, I am brain and body weary and only do the bare minimum. I just never thought that my contribution to my marriage and family would be to bring home the money. I always thought that I had no problem giving of myself - I have a strong propensity to help and serve, but I'm realizing that is only true if the service comes from a place I have approved. I am usually able to keep up the pretense that this is not really what I do - I am a student and a wife and a church leader - but sometimes it catches up to me, if I look strictly at my time, I am a secretary - eight hours of everyday is spent in this office. It is only temporary I suppose, but I have this aweful dread in my heart that this may be how I have to serve my family always - even after Jonathan finishes school. So, I guess in the end, I am not grateful and I am not satisfied but I do wish that I was.

Jonathan: You know, people in the seminary are jealous of my paper bag lunches. I see them looking at them, wishing their wives did the same.

the next day

Jonathan: I think I'm starting a trend at the seminary. Another guy had a paper bag lunch today....its a good thing you put my name on it huh?

yesterday (in no connection with the paper bags)

Jonathan: You are the best wife in the world! (with a big hug) I thought about it, and it's scientifically true.

Jodi: How do you know?

Jonathan: I can feel it, like this (he hugs me tighter as if in proof).

Jodi: Have you tested your theory on others?

Jonathan: No, it's like with the counterfeit experts...you can only know the real by becoming an expert in the real - you should never study the fake ones.

well said, my love, well said.

The other day I told God that I felt that I wasn't doing enough for Him. I wanted to do more to serve him. The next morning while I was doing my hair He gave me a request. He asked me to help out a single mom with two kids by giving her a ride into school everyday. I did this last winter - I was always late because the mom is slow and permissive and the kids had daily tantrums and would always complain because "I WANNA WALK!!", even though it was negative degrees and when they did walk, they complained about it too. Soooo, I did this task, but not cheerfully, and was thrilled when spring returned. This winter I have been conveniently forgetting that she probably could still use a ride. Anyway, while I was getting ready, the thought popped in my head that I should resume giving them a ride - not necessarily an unusual thought, but immediately afterward this text popped in my mind too, "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'" Matthew 25:40 I immediately said YES! to this request and have given them a ride every morning since. It is not any easier - they still make me late, and still have tantrums - but I am happy about these small hardships, because I feel like they make my service for God even more important. I have never experienced this before - the joy of serving God. I know that sounds ridiculous for a veteran Christian to say, but it is true. I have felt obligation to serve God, and duty, and I have felt the joy of the results of serving God, but never joy over the actual act. I love to know that I can do this small thing that He asked of me, and I am so grateful that he gave me such a tangible thing to do. When I prayed that prayer, I was expecting Him to ask me to do something really difficult and scary and close to impossible, but instead he simply asked me to show kindness to someone in need. God is gentle with me, so patient with my fears. It was kind of him to teach me what serving Him can really feel like. Every morning I look forward to picking them up because I know it makes my King happy.

Jonathan (at the grocery store): ooooh, can we pleeeeaaaase get some brown paper bags for my lunches? I've always wanted to carry my lunch in a real brown paper bag, just like the American kids on t.v.

me: really? (not surpressing some giggles) you know, it wasn't really cool to have a brown paper bag for lunch when I was a kid. You had to have cool lunch boxes.

Jonathan: we had lunch boxes - I just always wanted a real brown paper bag lunch. can we, please?!!?

Jodi: yeah, sure.

Jonathan: and can you write my name on it? ... in big letters?...with a black marker?

Jodi: absolutely

(the next morning, after I have completed said lunch and placed it in the brown paper bag, with his name in appropriately big letters on it and placed it on the counter - we are about to leave)

Jonathan: (in a giddy voice - like he's reading a script) oooh, I better not forget my lunch. oh, which one could it be? oh here it is, with my name on it. my very own lunch with my name on it. etc. etc. etc.

I gotta say, that $1.50 was just about the best deal I've ever gotten...I would have paid significantly more for the same reaction.