I've tried so hard to be the perfect wife. The woman who keeps things looking nice, who makes sure we have breakfast in the morning, who is supportive - my husband's biggest fan, the woman who plans and organizes - and the woman who is constantly thinking of the other ways she can improve as a wife - trying not to look like a bum at home, becoming more in control of her emotions, learning to sew, and on and on and on and on. ...and then I hear - in a sweet, concerned voice...
"but I didn't marry a 'wife', I married you."
In all of this becoming I stopped being. Does that make sense? I had to step back this morning and take a look at things - I'm trying to please someone who doesn't exsist, and in the process I don't know what my real husband wants out of our marriage, and he has a hard time telling me because I'm always "trying so hard" to do things perfectly, so whenever he mentions something that he isn't happy with - I am destroyed, completely. In my mind it means I have failed. surely it shouldn't be that way - surely I shouldn't constantly worry about failing as a wife. Where does that come from? I'm sure I need some kind of psycho-analysis, but I will save that for another time. *sigh*
Having said this, I have no idea where to go next. My "little woman" train has been derailed and I'll have to find another mode of transportation..............
maybe a roadtrip with my husband, destination unknown.
Yes, I like that image. Maybe I just need to start "being", whatever that means. I need to relax, stop being so uptight - enjoy my husband. I guess. I really have no idea what I'm saying anymore, but maybe if I keep typing it will all come together, right?
very interesting! Food for thought. Sometimes I feel guilty for expressing my opinion so forcefully or trying to get Jimmy to agree with my decision instead of demurely deferring to his. But now that you mention it, he married me because he LIKES the force of my opinions and the confidence of my decisions. And when it comes down to it I do accept his guidance if there can be no agreement. I need to be ME as well as doing my best to be a good wife... and as far as that is concerned... I better go do the dishes! :)
I miss you Jodi!
I'm guilty of trying to be the "perfect wife" even though I'm not a wife anymore. I have to have everything perfect and can give myself a panic attack if it isn't and I don't even have anyone to impress (my boyfriend is happy just to be home most nights - he doesn't care how it looks). I guess I'm still stuck in "wife" mode. The trick, I'm learning, is to slow down and realize that it's impossible to be both June Cleaver and Murphy Brown and to find the happy medium between the two.
You don't know how happy I am to see this post. I guess that sounds awful, because you're distraught. My point is, I thought maybe it was all in my head. I've found myself, on more than one occasion, being angry at Jonathan for how I see you when you're with him. It's like you stopped BEING Jodi in order to fill, what I thought were, his expectations. So...it's YOU with the whacked out expectations. THAT I can deal with.
I guess you just have to quit being so hard on yourself, so you don't feel like your tweaking all the time. The fact that you're spazzing out over having absolutely everything in order, and struggling to be Super Jodi, speaks volumes about what kind of wife you are, though. You know that? It means that your marriage is incredibly important to you, and that's wonderful.
I'm so glad that I don't have to wrestle my "disgruntled with Jonathan" feelings anymore. I love you guys so much!
You don't know how happy I am to read this post! I guess that sounds awful, considering you're distraught. My point is, I thought maybe it was all in my head. I've found myself, on a number of occasions, upset with Jonathan over how you are with him. I kept seeing you trying to meet, what I thought were, his expectations. But they're YOUR whacked out expectations! That's such a relief! I can handle that MUCH better.
I guess you just need to try to go easy on yourself, so you don't always feel like you're being critiqued. The fact that you're spazzing out over everything being just so, and being SUPER JODI, speaks volumes about your wifelyhood (Just made that up. Nice, right?). You know that? It screams "My marriage is terribly important to me, and I love my husband!" and that's wonderful.
I'm so glad I don't have to wrestle with my "disgruntled with Jonathan" feelings anymore! I love you both so very much.
This thing keeps telling me my comments are being published, but I see them NOT! So, I've posted a version of the same thing TWICE NOW, and am not posting again. I'll just email it to you. *Huff*
Oh, this sounds so familiar to me! It's so much easier to DO than to BE. Even though the BEING is so much more restful. I went through a long period of this in MI--trying to find my place as a woman, trying to find ME in this marriage of mine, devoting myself to being this perfect wife that somehow failed to reach my husband's heart. It came out of love for David, of course. And it came from a desire to please God, to do what he's called me to do with all of my might. It came also from a desired rejection of the selfishness inside of myself that I was suddenly confronted with via wife-hood and motherhood.
I don't know what has happened, but things balanced out. I think it was going through such a needy period during Ellenor's pregnancy-- i was a complete wreck, and David loved me so well through it. I came out a bit more subdued, a bit more at rest in my soul.
The funny thing is, as time has gone on, and I've focused less intently on the particulars, I think those very things I strove for at the time are now more naturally a part of ME. I think the desire to do this marriage thing the best we can is natural, and I think, like a tide that ebbs and flows, maybe as you step back and love your husband simply from your beautiful Jodi heart, you'll find that some of these habits you have been striving to learn really have become a part of you, and won't seem like efforts but rather can flow from your soul.
I know I smile a lot more at my husband. I smiled in the beginning because I was enamored with him. Then I smiled in the middle because I was trying to be the cheerful, encouraging wife--and the smile never came from my soul. Now I smile at him because being around him simply makes me smile. I still remind myself, "smile more, Harmony, look in his eyes..." but it is an eager reminder, a reminder to step back into my heart of hearts and live from the place that is real--not a reminder to smile because that is what I ought to do, blast it all. =)
You're a wonderful wife, Jodi. You're a wonderful woman.
I'm so sorry to write so much! You always just strike a chord with me! I totally, totally identified with this, with every word. It's like I just adopted this little "husband conscience" to sit on my shoulder and tell me all the things i should do-- and it was never, never, never David at all! Probably just another scheme of the devil to keep us from true vulnerability, true relationship, and our true hearts.
He mixes lies with truth, all of the time, which is how we are so easily led astray. Anyway. I just had to say again how much I love reading your posts. Its like reading my own journal from the first years of my marriage. Except I didn't write it down. I just beat myself up. ;)