J. left yesterday. I am mourning. It may seem a little dramatic, but mourning is simply sorrowing for a loss. And it is a loss, and my soul aches. I feel as if my heart flew over the ocean without me - how can you survive without your heart for a whole month? I want to withdraw, I don't want to see anyone - I want to stay in my little apartment, in the dark and simply wait for my heart to return. The comfort we spontaniously gave over the last couple days comes back to me now - "a month isn't that long, think how fast last month went by" - "you'll be so busy ministering you won't have a chance to miss me much" - "saying goodbye is the hardest part, after that it will be easier, I just need routine" - it's all empty words now, except for the real comfort he left me with through the Word. How did he know that was just what I needed to hear?
READ it - really read it.
O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
Amazing. So, I will not mourn. I will ride along this month sitting in the palm of his right hand - holding onto his thumb, knowing that He understands and He knows ....and that is enough for me. And when I wake up every morning looking for my heart - I will know....He's there, holding me.
