I have been hesitant lately to share my heart - the verse in Jeremiah comes to mind:
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
Indeed, I do not know my own heart - it seems to sway and change with the wind - and deceitful does seem to be the right word for it. But that's not really what's on my heart today. I've been pondering this verse lately:
Each one should use whatever gift she has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in it's various forms. 1 Peter 4:10
This verse struck something in me - like striking a gong or one of those huge bells - the reverberations are still going. I want this - I want to administer God's grace in it's various forms - this awakens something in me, stirs me. Unfortunately I have no idea what it means. I don't know how to administer God's grace. Peter didn't really give any examples. Or, rereading, maybe he did - in the same paragraph he also says "Love one each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." Those are verses to ponder on their own, aren't they? I believe my constant complaining that my apartment is not good enough for visitors probably qualifies
as grumbling. But I believe there is more to
administering God's grace than just hospitality, and I am determined to let God teach me what it means and how to do it.
that's me - 27. yep. 27. *sigh*
It seems so odd to have the number 27 attached to me - descibing me. But not completely unpleasant - I think I do 27 well. Now, 12 I had problems with - I didn't fit 12. Really anything before 16 was a little too tight. 27 is more roomy - more space to be me. I am an adult and it is o.k. to act like one.
- went camping for my 27th birthday. It rained the whole time. the WHOLE time. The first two days Jonathan and I both tried to be upbeat and positive (when Jonathan's 2nd fire got rained out he almost lost it) but it was when we both decided that it sucked and we didn't like camping in the rain that it became fun. We laughed about it - pointed out all the absurdities of siting in a tiny tent all day - and it was fun. We spent a lot of time in town doing the things we enjoy - shopping for books, eating out - it wasn't a real camping trip, but it was a trip with the two of us, and we are really all we need.
So, happy birthday to me - 28 here I come!
I just got an e-mail from my advisor finalizing some stuff for me and at the end this is what she said "I think you've made good choices!" (with the exclaimation mark). That one sentence has made my day. I tend to take myself by surprise - the things that make me inexplicably happy, and apparently this is one of them. Probably this has something to do with some issues about being constantly worried about making the right choices - and to have affirmation that I did indeed make a good decision - sigh - I am content.
They are not clean and clear and easy to direct. Just because you tell them the right answer - it doesn't mean they will listen or care. Just because you point them in the right direction and say - "go that way" - it doesn't mean they will - more than likely they will just turn around again, and perhaps even just continue turning round and round till they are dizzy and don't know where they are. Sometimes I just want out - I want away from people and their issues, but of course, then
I'm still there and
my issues are still there. Sometimes I feel the need to sterilize my life - make things clean - make them straight-foward and right.
I find that some of the messiest people are Christians - people who are trying desperately to know God. Because it is those people who have to fight part of themselves, but who first have to decide which part to fight - messy, complicated. And I wonder what God thinks when he looks at us fighting, stuggling, pulling ourselves down, going in circles getting dizzy, complicated and messy. If he were me he would throw up his hands and say "What's wrong with you?! It's not that hard!" and then He would walk away. But, at least from what I know and can read about Him, He instead encourages the fighting and stuggling, holds us
still when we've made ourselves dizzy from going round in circles - and isn't at all phased by our messiness.
Perfect God of holiness, put a piece of yourself in me - the piece that doesn't run away from messy people, but runs toward them.
My sister is gone back home to Alabama. I feel like there is a hole now in my life. For the past month she has been everywhere I have been and I loved it. Now, there is no one waiting for me at home at lunch time. No suitcase under the desk. No hand constantly reaching to find mine while we walk side-by-side. No sister within my reach at any given moment. And I am sad. Sadder than I or my poor husband expected me to be, but I am grateful we had a month. So grateful for the shared experiences, the inside jokes, the spiritual growth. If the cost was a day of sadness - I will gladly pay. Bye Kayla. I will see you soon - and one day we will be in Heaven, where time won't matter - and where, if we are apart for a thousand years, we will have another thousand to catch each other up on what was missed. I love you.
Since Friday my husband has washed the dishes twice (LOTS, nay MOUNTAINS of dishes), cleaned the bathroom, cleaned out the litter box every day (he says it makes him feel like he's taking care of our kittens, sweet), cooked 4 - maybe 5 meals (including a lentil soup that will know your socks off), mowed the yard, weeded some in the garden, installed a window air-conditioner (twice), changed the oil in the jeep (that's today), and hugged me every day without fail while telling me how much he loves me and what a good wife I am.
This is really not even the half of it - most importantly, he has held me together when my faith waivers - he has remained a strong spiritual (and emotional) leader and it makes me cry as I write this - thinking about how incredibly blessed I am to have him.
Father - thank you for my husband...my Jonathan. Teach me how to be a good wife for him. Amen.
