You'll find me now at http://jjeburnett.wordpress.com/

See you there.

Why can't I blog anymore? What's the block? At first it was because I didn't have any time, but now I do have some time, but the silence is hard to break. I have a problem - if I can't say something absolutely profound - I don't say anything. It keeps me isolated - it keeps people out of my life - never knowing what I am thinking or feeling. With this little girl coming soon I need people in my life; I need other Mamas to hear me and help me. So, hello again my dear mamas. Welcome back into my life.

Well, I am 37 weeks now - so anytime this little one feels like making her appearance, she can. Not that I am really all that anxious for it to happen quickly. I actually finally feel like I've got this pregnancy thing under control - 'bout time right?! Every once in a while I am seized with a temporary panic when I think about her. I'm not ready - not ready for labor, not ready to be a mother, and even selfishly, not ready to give up the life J. and I have together now.

The last few weeks have been peaceful - even though so much hangs over us, we have had lots of time together, just relaxing. When I try to insert a baby into that picture; its jarring. And I feel guilty for even thinking these things. I am the woman who cried because she wanted a baby so badly, constantly daydreaming of how wonderful it would be to be a mother. As this baby has grown, my confidence has shrunk. Now instead of daydreams of perfect days filled with fun activities I have created for Ellie and myself - I am concerned with the most convenient way to fly across the ocean with a newborn, finding somewhere to live, and then living in a new country among new people. On top of this is the concern of simply getting to this new country - legalities, stuff to sell and give away, stuff to ship, money. And then deeper inside, how do I not screw this kid up? Not just not screw her up, how do I make sure she feels loved and accepted while forming her character - how to do all this in tandem with her father and my husband. I have not even had time to think of the ministry God has put before us as pastors in this foreign land.

I realize all this is terribly negative, but its in my heart, so I'm pouring it out here. As I pour it out, I am trying to fill myself up again with the positive, with the grateful and sublime. My sweet savior has given me a husband, a baby, a ministerial position, and a chance for an adventure. One tiny step - one day at a time I am learning how to truly allow Him to guide it all. I have no problem anymore declaring that I don't know - I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. And He's ok with that, its easier than trying to fight me. So as long as I can keep away frantic panic and just follow - He will lead. I am sure.

We went out Saturday night, just us girls and we had a great time. We walked along the beach and then had pizza. And I realized again that as women, we have so much to offer each other - so much experience to share. I felt that we were able to really minister to each other and I am so thankful for these godly women.

I watched the images of the destruction in Japan with tears that wouldn't stop falling. Weird for me. I am very good at delegating emotions to where they are easiest to deal with. Big stuff gets put somewhere that's not too close because I can't feel that much or I might break - I have to carry on with my life. But this time I couldn't dismiss it - couldn't stop the pain. Maybe its the child inside of me - maybe I was already emotional because Jonathan was gone, but ultimately I think it was a gift of the Holy Spirit - to share in some of the pain God feels.

It is always short-lived, this grief for tragedy far away, and maybe it has to be in order to go on with life and to deal with all these little tragedies in peoples lives around me.

And now that I am a few days removed from those feelings, now that I am able to talk about it and to put the feelings away as necessary, what I am left with is this: I know that Satan is very serious in his attempts to destroy - shouldn't I be just as serious in my own life - in my own attempts to save and to heal and to minister? There's just not enough time to do what we've always done. And while my husband is across the ocean trying to push home this truth to people in England, God is teaching me here.

I had a brother. He was born in June. He died 19 years ago in March, when I was 8. I can't remember ever crying for him - ever grieving, until this morning when I realized he would be 32 years old if he were still here. 32. He died when he was 13. I guess I didn't realize before what I had lost: and older brother.

It's worth some grieving.

We took a little President's weekend trip down south and decided to take along some friends. We had a great time, as you can see. Jaedon learned he was a talented fisherman (he did indeed catch that fish, not only the biggest one, but he also caught the most), Zari discovered a love affair with trampolines, they both got to feed some baby goats and discovered the joy of porch swings. And I enjoyed all this right along with them - realizing how blessed my little Ellie is to have such a place to visit Mawmaw and Pawpaw. And how very blessed she will be to have such a father. He is absolutely amazing with these children; he is so patient and always willing to play with them, to teach them new things, and to out-stubborn their stubborness if need be :)

February 10th at 6:30 in the morning - my ultrasound was at 8:00.

"Babe, stop making signs and DRINK YOUR WATER!"(for those who may not know, a person must drink 32oz of water an hour before the ultrasound and hold it so the bladder is nice and full)

I'm am almost 5 months pregnant now, and as my belly grows, so does my heart for this child. I was a little worried at first that I didn't seem to really connect with the tiny human inside, but now it's just fun! She goes everywhere I go, and I think that's wonderful! I've started talking to her - "o.k. baby we're off to work - or, did you enjoy that eggplant?" At the beginning of the pregnancy I just wanted the baby, I didn't want to wait 9 whole months, but now I'm glad she's tucked away inside, just the two of us sharing our days together. I say her but I really have no idea the sex of this baby, but I will find out in two days. I AM SO EXCITED! It feels like Christmas - the sheer anticipation of it.



So this is us at 5 months - hungry, loving our first pair of maternity pants, still able to fit into my jeans (but probably not for long), and simply enjoying each other's company.

This is a moment of suspense before the verdict is given.

Well my blogging friends - if there are any of you left - I am here. Feeding my soul on your words while trying to sort out my own. But I believe I am ready again, ready to share my life, ready to mingle my own experiences with all of yours.

I have been adjusting things lately, rearranging thoughts, feelings, blog templates - trying to piece things together in a way that makes me relax and breathe. And I have been growing up - I feel more like a grown-up now that I ever have before. I can feel the old, nagging unimportant things that crowd my brain dropping away....to be replaced with huge things, important things. Perhaps this child growing inside me is pushing the old out, leaving only room for the worthy.

More and more I feel the need for healing - real deep soul-scrubbing healing. Who knew all the darkness that is lurking in my heart? I certainly didn't, but I see it now and all I want is for that Light of the World to shine into the recesses and scatter all the shadows. You see, I feel like, all those shadows are taking up space that is meant to be for other people - a person needs a lot of soul-space to love. As I've been reading the Word I have found that God loves to heal, so I imbibe these promises and watch the darkness recede.

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Isaiah 58:8

1. a little apartment, tucked away, a little piece of seclusion
2. toddler hugs
3. sisters
4. budgets
5. grocery lists
6. gas in my jeep
7. passionate words whispered in the dark
8. a husband who fills me up to the very brink
9. playing the piano
10. kneeling before God at the alter of his grace
11. the chance to start over every single day
12. watching the Holy Spirit move through the words of my husband

I grew up in a family dominated by females. I actually had no idea how to relate to my husband as a man - I am still learning, somedays it seems like an uphill battle and I often loose - shaking my head in wonder at the end of a day, baffled by this man I married and totally unsure of how to proceed. But I am slowly coming to understand what it means to live with a man, he is not a woman - he is The Other - and I am intrigued and completely in love with him. But sometimes, like when my sisters visit, I can just let the female wash over me and I can feel myself relax a little - this I understand, I understand the unspoken needs more than the spoken. I understand as I am understood. And with sisters its a double blessing because not only do we share in the feminine, but we also share the DNA, the background. We just understand some things about each other that outsiders can't. And there isn't a constant need to question. It is like taking a deep breath of air to not have to explain myself - to be with people who understand that the groceries go onto the belt in a certain order; who know that if your ice is floating, you need more ice in your glass; who don't condem me for my love affair with barbeque chips and pickles; who know that sometimes you just change your mind, and the thing that seemed so exciting this morning may not be the same this afternoon; who know that sometimes what you say may not really be what you mean; we share facial features and the fear of change but the longing for freedom. No one else in the world has lived such a similar life to my own, and I think that is amazing.

So, here's to sisters. Here's to my sisters, I'm so glad you're mine.

Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!