I grew up in a family dominated by females. I actually had no idea how to relate to my husband as a man - I am still learning, somedays it seems like an uphill battle and I often loose - shaking my head in wonder at the end of a day, baffled by this man I married and totally unsure of how to proceed. But I am slowly coming to understand what it means to live with a man, he is not a woman - he is The Other - and I am intrigued and completely in love with him. But sometimes, like when my sisters visit, I can just let the female wash over me and I can feel myself relax a little - this I understand, I understand the unspoken needs more than the spoken. I understand as I am understood. And with sisters its a double blessing because not only do we share in the feminine, but we also share the DNA, the background. We just understand some things about each other that outsiders can't. And there isn't a constant need to question. It is like taking a deep breath of air to not have to explain myself - to be with people who understand that the groceries go onto the belt in a certain order; who know that if your ice is floating, you need more ice in your glass; who don't condem me for my love affair with barbeque chips and pickles; who know that sometimes you just change your mind, and the thing that seemed so exciting this morning may not be the same this afternoon; who know that sometimes what you say may not really be what you mean; we share facial features and the fear of change but the longing for freedom. No one else in the world has lived such a similar life to my own, and I think that is amazing.

So, here's to sisters. Here's to my sisters, I'm so glad you're mine.

Don't you see that children are God's best gift?
the fruit of the womb his generous legacy?
Like a warrior's fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.
Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!

I recently clothed and fed a homeless man. It revealed an infection in my soul.

Love your enemies...
Love your neighbor as yourself...
Whatever you did for the least of these brothers, you did for me...
Give to anyone who asks you...
Freely you have received, freely give...

I read these passages shake my wise head knowingly check, check, check, now let's move on to the hard stuff. Well, now I know. There is nothing harder. "Whatever you do to the least of these, you do to me." Yes, Jesus, but while you were homeless and lived a life of poverty, it was different because you weren't in the city - the city that breaks people and kills their hearts - you weren't fighting an addiction to drugs, and I'm sure you didn't smell bad, did you? And you didn't take advantage of people - you would have bought the least expensive things.

Remember that post about Extravagant love? God showed me what this actually looks like - and I have wrestled with it for days. This oil of sin has corroded my heart -I am a terminal case - Dying of selfishness. I will not make it without the healing of Christ. The grace. Thank you for showing me this Lord - I might have lived another day thinking I was good enough on my own, I might not have sought your grace today - my only hope.

I am currently reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. It's a book about helping men to understand their own hearts - their masculine hearts that God created. Jonathan just read it and he couldn't stop raving about it - so I figured if it spoke to him that much, I needed to read it. I'm only on page 42 now, but I'm really enjoying it. There's one particular paragraph I can't get out of my head. It actually has nothing to do with men, it's talking about the feminine side of God - but when I read it - it was like a splash of water on my face - that turned into tears.

Often when I am with a woman, I find myself quietly wondering, What is she telling me about God? I know he wants to say something to the world through Eve - what is it? and after years of hearing the heart-cry of women, I am convinced beyond a doubt of this: God wants to be loved. He wants to be a priority to someone. How could we have missed this? From cover to cover, from beginning to end, the cry of God's heart is, "Why won't you choose Me? It is amazing to me how humble, how vulnerble God is on this point. "You will...find me, says the Lord, when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer 29:13) In other words, look for me, pursue me - I want to you to pursue me. Amazing.

Simple right? But I had missed it. I never knew I could relate to God on that level. I know how He feels, I know what its like to long to be the most important person to someone; the yearning for love - the yearning to feel that someone thinks you are beautiful and special. And it broke my heart and made it swell at the same time. I can see the masculine God - the risk-taker, the rescuer, the lover - but I had never really understood Him completely as a friend until I realized the feminine in Him. We broke His heart - I know exactly how that feels. He crys, why don't you love me? What can I do to make you love me? While I've never used those words, everything I do expresses them - I am constantly seeking the love and affection of my husband and my friends -
love me,
love me,
love me.
Crying even now as I hear him, I have done everything, I will do anything - I just want you to love me.

wow. amazing. There is so much more to this - God has put in me clues to who He is, those deep longings are a reflection of His - I will have to ponder this some more, and in the mean-time, lavish God with the kind of love I seek.

I like efficiency - I really like efficiency. I pride myself on my efficency - if you give me enough time I can tell you the fastest way to get your plans for the day accomplished. It has become my god in many ways. Things should be functional, economical and efficient. And I have always felt God backed me up on this - he is a God of efficiency and order - nothing wasted with him right?

The first chink in my practical armour came from this post by Femina...and again as I was listening to the Bible on CD, God was telling Moses exactly how to make the clothes for the priests and twice he says to make them for glory and for beauty. I was able to accept this - the priests were representatives of Jesus, so it made sense for them to be clad nicely. But I would be much more comfortable if they had work clothes, and the glorious get-up was just for speeches and ceremonies, clean ceremonies. But that doesn't seem to be the case - and I cringed to think about the clothes after even one day in the temple - ashes, animal hair or worse, and blood. I found myself doubting the logic of God in this - doubting his efficiency. When I find myself in a position when I think I could give God advise, I know its time to step back and take a hard look into my own thinking. And this is what I realized - God is extravagant. And I wonder now as I read the Bible how I could have ever missed it ...words like abundant and overflowing and abounding - but I guess it is the tendency of us all to give God our own characteristics.

He is NOT efficient - He cares nothing for efficiency. There is nothing stark about God - He is....the color purple and the scent of the lilacs and streets of gold and very expensive perfume used for feet - every time I read that story I echo the disciples in my mind - what a waste, what a poor use of money...to even spend that much in the first place on perfume .... and my self-righteous voice rolls on and on. And the biggest extravagance of all - a Son, glorious and beautiful, but not created, existing from eternity at the Father's side - sent to earth, covered with the filthy, oiliness of sin and trampled under the feet of filthy sinners.

And I am humbled by God's Extravagant Love. And I am inspired to live an extravegant life - pouring out my own time and love and affection without thoughts of efficency. willing to backtrack if necessary. Willing to lavish my best efforts even if only for an audience of One.

1. a borrowed air conditioner
2. a cat on each side, staving off loneliness
3. a husband who loves my family as much as I do
4. a branch hanging low over the steps, showering me with delicate pink petals
everyday

I can hear Adam's voice, filled with wonder and love as he stares at Eve - This is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh - and I can hear my husband's voice in my ear as he holds me tight, dread of separation gripping him - Should it be this hard?

Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh
Yes my love, yes it should be this hard.