Why can't I blog anymore? What's the block? At first it was because I didn't have any time, but now I do have some time, but the silence is hard to break. I have a problem - if I can't say something absolutely profound - I don't say anything. It keeps me isolated - it keeps people out of my life - never knowing what I am thinking or feeling. With this little girl coming soon I need people in my life; I need other Mamas to hear me and help me. So, hello again my dear mamas. Welcome back into my life.
Well, I am 37 weeks now - so anytime this little one feels like making her appearance, she can. Not that I am really all that anxious for it to happen quickly. I actually finally feel like I've got this pregnancy thing under control - 'bout time right?! Every once in a while I am seized with a temporary panic when I think about her. I'm not ready - not ready for labor, not ready to be a mother, and even selfishly, not ready to give up the life J. and I have together now.
The last few weeks have been peaceful - even though so much hangs over us, we have had lots of time together, just relaxing. When I try to insert a baby into that picture; its jarring. And I feel guilty for even thinking these things. I am the woman who cried because she wanted a baby so badly, constantly daydreaming of how wonderful it would be to be a mother. As this baby has grown, my confidence has shrunk. Now instead of daydreams of perfect days filled with fun activities I have created for Ellie and myself - I am concerned with the most convenient way to fly across the ocean with a newborn, finding somewhere to live, and then living in a new country among new people. On top of this is the concern of simply getting to this new country - legalities, stuff to sell and give away, stuff to ship, money. And then deeper inside, how do I not screw this kid up? Not just not screw her up, how do I make sure she feels loved and accepted while forming her character - how to do all this in tandem with her father and my husband. I have not even had time to think of the ministry God has put before us as pastors in this foreign land.
I realize all this is terribly negative, but its in my heart, so I'm pouring it out here. As I pour it out, I am trying to fill myself up again with the positive, with the grateful and sublime. My sweet savior has given me a husband, a baby, a ministerial position, and a chance for an adventure. One tiny step - one day at a time I am learning how to truly allow Him to guide it all. I have no problem anymore declaring that I don't know - I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. And He's ok with that, its easier than trying to fight me. So as long as I can keep away frantic panic and just follow - He will lead. I am sure.
Well, I am 37 weeks now - so anytime this little one feels like making her appearance, she can. Not that I am really all that anxious for it to happen quickly. I actually finally feel like I've got this pregnancy thing under control - 'bout time right?! Every once in a while I am seized with a temporary panic when I think about her. I'm not ready - not ready for labor, not ready to be a mother, and even selfishly, not ready to give up the life J. and I have together now.
The last few weeks have been peaceful - even though so much hangs over us, we have had lots of time together, just relaxing. When I try to insert a baby into that picture; its jarring. And I feel guilty for even thinking these things. I am the woman who cried because she wanted a baby so badly, constantly daydreaming of how wonderful it would be to be a mother. As this baby has grown, my confidence has shrunk. Now instead of daydreams of perfect days filled with fun activities I have created for Ellie and myself - I am concerned with the most convenient way to fly across the ocean with a newborn, finding somewhere to live, and then living in a new country among new people. On top of this is the concern of simply getting to this new country - legalities, stuff to sell and give away, stuff to ship, money. And then deeper inside, how do I not screw this kid up? Not just not screw her up, how do I make sure she feels loved and accepted while forming her character - how to do all this in tandem with her father and my husband. I have not even had time to think of the ministry God has put before us as pastors in this foreign land.
I realize all this is terribly negative, but its in my heart, so I'm pouring it out here. As I pour it out, I am trying to fill myself up again with the positive, with the grateful and sublime. My sweet savior has given me a husband, a baby, a ministerial position, and a chance for an adventure. One tiny step - one day at a time I am learning how to truly allow Him to guide it all. I have no problem anymore declaring that I don't know - I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. And He's ok with that, its easier than trying to fight me. So as long as I can keep away frantic panic and just follow - He will lead. I am sure.
