I'm wondering more and more if I'm supposed to be going in another direction in my life. I find that different things catch and hold my attention now. For example, I am taking graduate classes in English Literature - and I enjoy it - I enjoy reading and discussing literature. I get off about an hour and a half earlier on Mondays so that I have time to study for said classes - at one time that would have dominated my thoughts - study and research and be the best graduate student in the department. But now I find my mind instead wandering to recipes and furniture rearangement and ways to make healthy lunches ahead of time for my husband. And I enjoy it - I really enjoy it. I love that today he gets to eat stuffed green peppers for lunch instead of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - and I love that I made enough muffins for breakfast and some black bean burgers for lunch for the next few days - and all the laundry is clean and folded - and reading over this now, it looks like a feminists nightmare come true huh? But I'm not a feminist, I am feminine though, and something inside drives me to do and enjoy such things, at least at this stage in my life. Instead of reading articles on Twain and Austen - I find myself searching out the blogs of mothers and wives - reading about their triumphs and disappointments, and taking to heart the lessons they have learned...storing them up in my mind until they are needed. And more and more everyday, I think of my child and how I will love and care for her or him.

I'm not sure what to do with such a change of heart - I work fulltime - I am not able to do these things I desire everyday, and I cannot have a baby simply to turn around a let someone else care for him or her. I do not want to become bitter that I have to work - I am going to praise God for the way He is providing, but I'm not going to stop also asking Him if there is another way - another route with an outlet to this domestic desire within me.

I am Jodi Michelle Kendall Burnett. I am messed up by my culture - both family culture and societal. I am messed up by my own sense of pride and sinfulness. I am not the best in the world at anything - I am not even the best amoung my aquaintences at anything. I can usually think of at least 3 other people who would be better at any given task than I would. What, you say, is the importance of all this self-deprecating honesty? That's the same question God seems to be asking me. In His ever so subtle yet persistent way He has shown me that he doesn't care one little iota about me being the best at something. He doesn't care if there are others who can say it more elequently or decorate it prettier or lead it more perceptively. He wants me to do what He asks - me - not someone else with better skills. Even as I write this, honestly, my efficient brain is having a hard time accepting it - I may need a few more lessons.

But now I am trying to listen to what he's asking of me. I no longer refuse things based on the premise that someone else could do it better, and we'll see what happens.

I have been hesitant lately to share my heart - the verse in Jeremiah comes to mind:

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?

Indeed, I do not know my own heart - it seems to sway and change with the wind - and deceitful does seem to be the right word for it. But that's not really what's on my heart today. I've been pondering this verse lately: Each one should use whatever gift she has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in it's various forms. 1 Peter 4:10

This verse struck something in me - like striking a gong or one of those huge bells - the reverberations are still going. I want this - I want to administer God's grace in it's various forms - this awakens something in me, stirs me. Unfortunately I have no idea what it means. I don't know how to administer God's grace. Peter didn't really give any examples. Or, rereading, maybe he did - in the same paragraph he also says "Love one each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling." Those are verses to ponder on their own, aren't they? I believe my constant complaining that my apartment is not good enough for visitors probably qualifies as grumbling. But I believe there is more to administering God's grace than just hospitality, and I am determined to let God teach me what it means and how to do it.

that's me - 27. yep. 27. *sigh*

It seems so odd to have the number 27 attached to me - descibing me. But not completely unpleasant - I think I do 27 well. Now, 12 I had problems with - I didn't fit 12. Really anything before 16 was a little too tight. 27 is more roomy - more space to be me. I am an adult and it is o.k. to act like one.

- went camping for my 27th birthday. It rained the whole time. the WHOLE time. The first two days Jonathan and I both tried to be upbeat and positive (when Jonathan's 2nd fire got rained out he almost lost it) but it was when we both decided that it sucked and we didn't like camping in the rain that it became fun. We laughed about it - pointed out all the absurdities of siting in a tiny tent all day - and it was fun. We spent a lot of time in town doing the things we enjoy - shopping for books, eating out - it wasn't a real camping trip, but it was a trip with the two of us, and we are really all we need.

So, happy birthday to me - 28 here I come!

I just got an e-mail from my advisor finalizing some stuff for me and at the end this is what she said "I think you've made good choices!" (with the exclaimation mark). That one sentence has made my day. I tend to take myself by surprise - the things that make me inexplicably happy, and apparently this is one of them. Probably this has something to do with some issues about being constantly worried about making the right choices - and to have affirmation that I did indeed make a good decision - sigh - I am content.

They are not clean and clear and easy to direct. Just because you tell them the right answer - it doesn't mean they will listen or care. Just because you point them in the right direction and say - "go that way" - it doesn't mean they will - more than likely they will just turn around again, and perhaps even just continue turning round and round till they are dizzy and don't know where they are. Sometimes I just want out - I want away from people and their issues, but of course, then I'm still there and my issues are still there. Sometimes I feel the need to sterilize my life - make things clean - make them straight-foward and right.

I find that some of the messiest people are Christians - people who are trying desperately to know God. Because it is those people who have to fight part of themselves, but who first have to decide which part to fight - messy, complicated. And I wonder what God thinks when he looks at us fighting, stuggling, pulling ourselves down, going in circles getting dizzy, complicated and messy. If he were me he would throw up his hands and say "What's wrong with you?! It's not that hard!" and then He would walk away. But, at least from what I know and can read about Him, He instead encourages the fighting and stuggling, holds us still when we've made ourselves dizzy from going round in circles - and isn't at all phased by our messiness.

Perfect God of holiness, put a piece of yourself in me - the piece that doesn't run away from messy people, but runs toward them.