You'll find me now at http://jjeburnett.wordpress.com/

See you there.

Why can't I blog anymore? What's the block? At first it was because I didn't have any time, but now I do have some time, but the silence is hard to break. I have a problem - if I can't say something absolutely profound - I don't say anything. It keeps me isolated - it keeps people out of my life - never knowing what I am thinking or feeling. With this little girl coming soon I need people in my life; I need other Mamas to hear me and help me. So, hello again my dear mamas. Welcome back into my life.

Well, I am 37 weeks now - so anytime this little one feels like making her appearance, she can. Not that I am really all that anxious for it to happen quickly. I actually finally feel like I've got this pregnancy thing under control - 'bout time right?! Every once in a while I am seized with a temporary panic when I think about her. I'm not ready - not ready for labor, not ready to be a mother, and even selfishly, not ready to give up the life J. and I have together now.

The last few weeks have been peaceful - even though so much hangs over us, we have had lots of time together, just relaxing. When I try to insert a baby into that picture; its jarring. And I feel guilty for even thinking these things. I am the woman who cried because she wanted a baby so badly, constantly daydreaming of how wonderful it would be to be a mother. As this baby has grown, my confidence has shrunk. Now instead of daydreams of perfect days filled with fun activities I have created for Ellie and myself - I am concerned with the most convenient way to fly across the ocean with a newborn, finding somewhere to live, and then living in a new country among new people. On top of this is the concern of simply getting to this new country - legalities, stuff to sell and give away, stuff to ship, money. And then deeper inside, how do I not screw this kid up? Not just not screw her up, how do I make sure she feels loved and accepted while forming her character - how to do all this in tandem with her father and my husband. I have not even had time to think of the ministry God has put before us as pastors in this foreign land.

I realize all this is terribly negative, but its in my heart, so I'm pouring it out here. As I pour it out, I am trying to fill myself up again with the positive, with the grateful and sublime. My sweet savior has given me a husband, a baby, a ministerial position, and a chance for an adventure. One tiny step - one day at a time I am learning how to truly allow Him to guide it all. I have no problem anymore declaring that I don't know - I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. And He's ok with that, its easier than trying to fight me. So as long as I can keep away frantic panic and just follow - He will lead. I am sure.

We went out Saturday night, just us girls and we had a great time. We walked along the beach and then had pizza. And I realized again that as women, we have so much to offer each other - so much experience to share. I felt that we were able to really minister to each other and I am so thankful for these godly women.

I watched the images of the destruction in Japan with tears that wouldn't stop falling. Weird for me. I am very good at delegating emotions to where they are easiest to deal with. Big stuff gets put somewhere that's not too close because I can't feel that much or I might break - I have to carry on with my life. But this time I couldn't dismiss it - couldn't stop the pain. Maybe its the child inside of me - maybe I was already emotional because Jonathan was gone, but ultimately I think it was a gift of the Holy Spirit - to share in some of the pain God feels.

It is always short-lived, this grief for tragedy far away, and maybe it has to be in order to go on with life and to deal with all these little tragedies in peoples lives around me.

And now that I am a few days removed from those feelings, now that I am able to talk about it and to put the feelings away as necessary, what I am left with is this: I know that Satan is very serious in his attempts to destroy - shouldn't I be just as serious in my own life - in my own attempts to save and to heal and to minister? There's just not enough time to do what we've always done. And while my husband is across the ocean trying to push home this truth to people in England, God is teaching me here.

I had a brother. He was born in June. He died 19 years ago in March, when I was 8. I can't remember ever crying for him - ever grieving, until this morning when I realized he would be 32 years old if he were still here. 32. He died when he was 13. I guess I didn't realize before what I had lost: and older brother.

It's worth some grieving.

We took a little President's weekend trip down south and decided to take along some friends. We had a great time, as you can see. Jaedon learned he was a talented fisherman (he did indeed catch that fish, not only the biggest one, but he also caught the most), Zari discovered a love affair with trampolines, they both got to feed some baby goats and discovered the joy of porch swings. And I enjoyed all this right along with them - realizing how blessed my little Ellie is to have such a place to visit Mawmaw and Pawpaw. And how very blessed she will be to have such a father. He is absolutely amazing with these children; he is so patient and always willing to play with them, to teach them new things, and to out-stubborn their stubborness if need be :)

February 10th at 6:30 in the morning - my ultrasound was at 8:00.

"Babe, stop making signs and DRINK YOUR WATER!"(for those who may not know, a person must drink 32oz of water an hour before the ultrasound and hold it so the bladder is nice and full)